We recently spent some time talking with MyRDC & CW22 TV host Bill LuMaye on his show Community Matters about domestic adoption.
Agency Director, E. Parker Herring shares an overview of the adoption and A Child’s Hope.
Adoptive parents Brandon & Lydia, as well as Adam & Kate share their adoption experiences.
Adoption Counselor Supervisor Kelly Dunbar discusses a little about birth mothers and open adoption.
Birth mother Stephanie shares her experience in placing her child for adoption.
Just before Father’s Day, Adam & Kate share their story of adoption with ABC11 reporter Ed Crump.
Agency Director E. Parker Herring also shares some of what the agency is seeing during COVID.
On Mother’s Day Adam & Kate share their story of adoption with Spectrum News reporter Anton Day.
Jacob was born during the beginning of COVID Pandemic when rules and policies were changing daily. Only one parent was allowed in the hospital to see Jacob and had to be screened multiple times. This means Adam did not get to see his new son for several days.
This is the second child Adam & Kate have adopted. Their first son, Anthony, is 2-years old.
Q. Are adoptions still happening in NC?
A. Yes. In most counties of North Carolina are allowing filings the courts are now open, doing virtual hearings as needed.
Q. Will I be all alone at the hospital?
A. In North Carolina, we see hospitals allowing only the pregnant woman and ONE support person in the labor and delivery room. The adoptive parents are being allowed to care for the child during hospitalization after passing COVID protocols.
Q. Is there financial assistance for mothers during COVID-19?
A. Yes, we are offering more support. There are additional stressors on birth mothers due to unemployment and other critical logistics, such as fewer Uber drivers providing transportation services.
We can be flexible in how financial support is provided. We pay landlords directly, hotels by the week, and can even offer some housing expense reimbursement to your relatives if they take you in during your pregnancy.
When an Uber is not available, we are offering gas money/cards to reimburse friends or family members who provide transportation.
In addition, North Carolina law allows up to six weeks of support after delivery. So, we can help you get situated after you leave the hospital.
Q. When should I reach out to an agency about adoption for my baby?
A private adoption plan gives you choices about the family, as well as contact details between you, the family and the child as they grow.
The more notice an agency has, the more help we can give in terms of answering questions and making the process go smoothly. But, we will gladly work with you on an adoption plan at any time. We can quickly respond when childbirth is imminent, matching you with one of the nearly two dozen waiting families ready to bring a child into their home.
If you suspect that the Department of Social Services may get involved after your child is born because you are homeless or the baby may test positive for drugs, we encourage you to make your adoption plan as soon as possible, before delivery. Once DSS is involved, it is harder to make a private adoption plan and have choices regarding the family that cares for your child.
Q. Can I safely find and meet with the adopting parents?
A. Birth mothers traditionally locate an adoption agency or adoptive parent profiles through the internet. Fortunately, the internet is Coronavirus safe. All of our waiting families are listed on our website for birth parents to review. See the Family Profiles page.
At A Child’s Hope, we provide three ways for birth mothers to contact us. They call the pregnancy hotline at 877-890-4673, text Pregnant to 919-971-5663, or email admin@achildshope.com. The hotline operator then communicates with the birth mother and talks her through the process.
After the initial discussion, one of our eight adoption counselors spread throughout the state works with the mother. They communicate via phone, meet virtually, as well as arrange in-person meetings. We ask that masks and worn, but we can meet.
We provide the same options for match meetings with adoptive parents. They can occur virtually or in-person practicing proper social distancing and wearing masks.
Q: Ready to Learn More?
A: Call the pregnancy hotline TODAY at 877-890-4673, text Pregnant to 919-971-5663, or email admin@achildshope.com.
For guidance on better mental health during the pandemic, check out these resources:
As we are adjusting to stay-at-home orders and social distancing, anxieties can arise. This is entirely normal and natural.
Children may also experience these feelings. The National Child Traumatic Stress Network has prepared an information sheet as a resource for families. Click here to download.
Every year, I subject my children to what they call “those pictures.” What they are referring to is a couple of hours of dress-up photographs around Christmastime. I frame each picture and keep them in a box with my holiday decorations. Opening that box each year and placing the photos around the house is my gift to me, and it’s the best one of all!
Taking the photos is a different story. It usually requires some wrangling, especially after our family grew to include three kids!
To get the perfect holiday picture, I have tried all kinds of poses. Of course, the obligatory newborn “stuff the baby in the big stocking.” I have a great photo of my first son Mackenzie, now 21, in the stocking wearing a green velveteen jumper accompanied by a toy reindeer. To his dismay, as he grew older, I went whole-hog on him with a Victorian outfit complete with velvet hat and knickers.
When his brother Michael, now 18, came along I dragged out the stocking, but Michael wouldn’t fit — he was already nine pounds. So, I plopped him down on a wooden sled in a Santa outfit. I cherish this picture because he was teetering to sit upright, and I had to steady him.
The next year we started our “brothers” pictures. At this point, my oldest is six and starts trying to sabotage the pictures. When their sister, Mary Parker, now 16, was born I did my last group dress-up picture. After a series of epic fails in getting them all to sit still and smile, I finally managed to capture their sister looking at the boys as they taunted her. If you look closely you can see where Mackenzie has cut a chunk out of his hair with the wrapping scissors. That was the last of the group photos for many years.
As a different twist, I decided to start taking individual pics under the tree in PJs. The kids were thankful I stopped dressing them up. It wasn’t until their teens that I could get them to pose together again.
Even with all the fussing, I never realized how much this tradition meant to them until 2017. After we had opened all our gifts, my son Michael says, “you know we are really too big to fit under the tree, what if we sat in front of the fireplace?” That picture means so much to me. For more than a year I kept it on my phone as a screen saver.
I guess the joy of holiday photos come from the memories they create. While I laugh now at the years of getting these photos, I wouldn’t change a thing.
In 1980, Judy and Alan started providing respite care for babies in Erie, PA. They moved to NC in 1995 and in 1999 began providing respite for A Child’s Hope. They have cared for more than 200 babies, 89 for A Child’s Hope.
On Dec. 19, 2019, Judy & Alan will retire. Judy shares, “It has been an incredible journey with lots of wonderful memories and we will miss it!”
If you are an adoptee and considering searching for additional information about your birth family, it can feel daunting. Some seek medical knowledge; others want to know more about their family history. But primarily, adoptees have a genuine curiosity of who their birth mother is; appearance or personality. The internet and DNA technology has allowed for the sharing of information about birth relatives and family trees.
Caroline’s Story
Caroline is far left. Birth mother and adoptive mother are in the middle.
Caroline, 49, was adopted as an infant in Arizona. The mother of five children herself, she always had a curiosity about the identity of her birth mother. Last year, her husband gave her the gift of an ancestry kit for Christmas.
“The DNA kit led me to a man who turned out to be my half-brother,” Caroline explained. “The first step, it was that easy.” From there, contact information was obtained about Caroline’s birth mother. And, she took another step. A call. “My birth mother was so excited,” she recalled. A few months later, they met in person. Since then, Caroline’s birth mother and adoptive mother have also had a chance to meet. For Caroline, meeting her birth mother gave her closure on her biological identity. “We have added to our family and it has been a blessing to everyone involved,” she said.
David’s Story
One 23andMe DNA kit led to a 65-year-old Raleigh man learning he had a son he never knew.
“I was given a DNA kit for my 60th birthday by one of my siblings,” said David. “I used the kit to research some of my genealogy and then we reached a dead end and forgot about it.”
Five years later, David received a phone call one night from a man how lived in South Carolina. The caller told him that Ancestry 23 was indicating that he was either a brother or his biological father.
I was shocked, David recalls. “He asked me if I had known his mother, and sure enough, I had dated his mother in college. She gave birth to a son after we broke up and had not told me. So, at age 65, I am a new dad.”
David and his son messaged back and forth and met for lunch. “It was enlightening to find out that I had another child, but it was so important to him.” He is a fine young man and I am proud to refer to him as my son.”
David and his son both add a cautionary note that while their genealogical searches had positive outcomes, it is best to be prepared for whatever you may find. Some birth parents are not going to want reunification, and some biological relatives may turn up unexpectedly.
Finding Your Biological Relatives
Invest in a DNA kit such as 23andMe. It can certainly help you get started. However, you really need to do a little digging first. Glean every bit of information you can from your adoptive parents and other relatives about your adoption.
Once you have this information the DNA kit results may provide you a list of genetic matches that may lead to your birth family. Organizing the information gathered will be useful in starting the conversation with the people you connected via the DNA kit.
Like Caroline and David, often the journey of becoming reunited with your birth family comes in the form of a gift from a loved one. If you know someone that is curious about their family, an ancestry or DNA kit may be the perfect gift this holiday season.
Just starting school or returning from summer break can be difficult. For many children who are adopted this can be compounded with an awkwardness about family relationships. In some cases, the difference is obvious, such as when a child and their parents are different ethnicities or the parents are of the same gender. While taxing at times, a visual difference can turn out to be a blessing in disguise. It often evokes questions or comments early when meeting people and allowing the issue to be addressed head-on.
For other students, skin tone doesn’t tell the story. For them, the awkwardness arises during school assignments. Examples may include: creating a family tree or student timeline, researching genetics, or bringing in baby and family pictures for a bulletin board. Uneasiness can also occur in student-to-student conversations about family and background.
Some parents choose not to address the issue at all, one mother stating:
Just as I don’t go to the school and point out that my children are biracial or fantastic athletes, or that their dad is a doctor, we leave it up to the kids whether to mention adoption. Our children share information about their adoption—and
other information—when it seems right to do so for them. It has worked for us.”
Many adoption experts suggest that parents talk to teachers to explain the adoption connection. They recommend using a simple explanation that includes only the information that the parents and child are comfortable sharing. The conversation starter may go like this:
“Michael was adopted by us as a newborn, and we have an open adoption with his birth mother.”
Or, keep it really simple:
“Michael is adopted and he (does or does not) know his birth family.”
Ultimately, it is up to the parents to decide what is right for their child and family. For parents that choose to be proactive, bringing the topic up with teachers at the start of the school year is often best. The teacher may wish to make a discussion about different family types as part of their lesson plans.
For teachers who are not familiar with the world of adoption, offering your own knowledge as a resource may be extremely helpful and very welcome guidance. Handouts like the one by Adoptive Families magazine help both the child and the teacher answer many common questions – Click here to download.
A discussion about positive adoption language and words can also be valuable. Consider sharing with the teacher this link to an article on the Adoptive Families website.
https://www.adoptivefamilies.com/talking-about-adoption/positive-adoption-language/.
Parents may also wish to donate a book or two to the classroom. Here are a few titles for consideration:
The Mulberry Bird by Braff Brodzinsky & Anne Braff
Over the Moon: An Adoption Tale by Karen Katz
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born by Jamie Lee Curtis
I Love You Like Crazy Cakes by Rose Lewis
If the teacher isn’t comfortable with books that speak directly to adoption, some alternatives include
On The Night You Were Born by Nancy Tillman
The Family Book by Todd Parr
It’s Ok To Be Different by Todd Parr
Be Who You Are by Todd Parr
How parents communicate with teachers about adoption sets the precedent for how the teacher will likely treat the topic of adoption and address situations that arise among the students. Parents that are concerned about questions or conflicts should consider taking a proactive approach and engage with the teachers.
