Birth Mothers Talk About Placing Their Baby for Adoption

Adoption, Education - November 3, 2017

As we honor National Adoption Month, we take a moment to recognize birth mothers for the brave decisions they make. Hear the videos from Stephanie and Rebecca as they talk about placing their babies with families who are ready to adopt from A Child’s Hope.

We understand that women who are experiencing an unplanning pregnancy and considering adoption may feel uncertain and have questions to determine if this is the right decision for them and their unborn child. Having sufficient support and information during this time can be reassuring for anyone thinking about placing their baby for adoption.

To help birth mothers in their time of uncertainty, we have compiled some common questions and answers from birthmothers who have gone through the adoption process. If you are considering placing your baby for adoption, call our birthmother hotline and speak to one of our counselors today. Call (877) 890-4673.

Birth mothers Can Show Love to Their Child Placed for Adoption

Adoption, Children, Education, Family - May 13, 2017

Parker Herring, is a Board-Certified Family Law Attorney and Director of the NC-based adoption agency, A Child’s Hope. In this blog, she discusses the most frequent asked questions about adoption that she gets from birth mothers. Plus, shares many of her firsthand experiences as she’s adopted two children of her own.

One of the questions about adoption I often hear from birth mothers is:

“How can I let my child know how much I love him/her?”

I explain that although she will not be there physically to do the daily tasks that let a child know he/she is loved, there is a lot that can be done before and after the placement to help the child understand the difficult act of choosing adoption. Remember, a child can never have too many people loving him/her. These eight ideas are written as suggestions for birth mothers, but of course, birth fathers can follow the same protocol.

Letters — Write a letter to your child for the adoptive parents to read later. What is most important is that this letter be in your own words and from your heart. Explain why you made this decision, how much you love him/her and how he/she will always be in your heart. My middle son’s birth mother wrote a nicely worded letter on lined paper with a pen. It’s simple and beautiful.

Lifebooks — Consider doing a photo book. Known as a lifebook, these scrapbooks can include photographs of you, your family, and even the birth father. Over time the child can get to know you. For some ideas on photo books, Amazon has a nice selection.

Make Something for the Child — Making a blanket or giving a stuffed animal to the adoptive family to give to the child is special. The child can keep it, it’s tangible and something you have gifted. If you are okay with parting with a stuffed animal or toy that you had as a child, this can make the gift even more meaningful.

Books About Adoption — Purchase a children’s book about adoption and inscribe inside a message from your heart. Maybe something like: “Never forget how much I love you!” For a list of children’s books, visit amazon and your local library.

Send Clothes and Toys. Ask the adoptive parents to let you know about sizes for clothes and favorite toys to send to your child. Even something small, but sent on a regular basis honoring an important day or event, will let the child know that they continued to be loved.

Naming the Child — If you are in contact with the adoptive parents, ask them to work with you on choosing a name for the child that either has part of your name, or a name you chose for the baby. Ask the adoptive parents to share with the child how he/she got their name. Names are a sensitive subject. If you are uncomfortable bringing up the suggestion of being involved in the name process, consider asking a counselor for help. If you don’t have a counselor, email or ask the question in a note to the adoptive parents. My oldest son’s birth mother chose a name for him, but never told us. I didn’t know until after the mother’s birth certificate arrived. I’ve told him the name she chose, and he cherishes it. If I’d known of her choice, I would have honored it by using at least one of the names.

Stay in touch. Both with open and semi-open adoptions (hot link to web pages), you can send letters and pictures over the years. Birthday cards, Valentine’s cards, all holidays. Send in advance so the child receives on his/her holiday celebration. Your pictures can show the child how you are doing. I saw one birth mother hold up a sign in a photograph with the lettering “Forever in my Heart”. You can also set up SnapFish, Shutterfly or Flickr accounts to share pictures.

Visits – It is important to always follow through with plans to stay in touch. If you had agreed on visits, follow through. At the visit remember that your emotions may be difficult for the child to understand, so do your best to put the child’s needs first. It’s always good to give a small gift – whether it be a card, coloring book or some other small token. Physically demonstrate your affection for the child at the visit, but take cues from the child. You do not want to make the child feel uncomfortable. If there has been a long time between visits, it may take your child awhile to warm up. Don’t insist that the child call you “mom” – use your first name.

There are many ways show the child that you love and care for him/her as they grow. Determining which will be best for you, the child and the adoptive family is a partnership and should be planned for, as much as possible, before the adoption. Holding open and honest conversations with the adoption agency counselor and the adoptive parents will go a long way in providing you comfort that the child knows how loved they are, as well as providing the child the knowledge of who the birth parents are, where they come from and, most importantly, that they are loved dearly.

A mother of three children, E. Parker Herring has a deep respect and understanding of family law and the adoption process (for which she’s adopted two children of her own). She is the founder and director of A Child’s Hope, a North Carolina licensed adoption agency located in Raleigh that focuses on helping birth mothers and families looking to adopt and answer questions about adoption. A Child’s Hope has placed 332 children since 2000, and is the only North Carolina domestic adoption agency directed by an attorney. Herring is a Board-Certified Family Law Specialist who has practiced family law for nearly 30 years in the Raleigh area. She’s a member of the NC Bar Association, the Wake County Bar Association, and the NC Collaborative Lawyers.

US Military offers Federal Adoption Tax Credit for Military Families looking to Adopt

Adoption, Comunity, Education - June 20, 2016

This article was originally published by Herring & Mills PLLC on www.parkerherringlawgroup.com

By taking advantage of the federal adoption tax credit, US Military benefits and employer advantages, thousands of American families are eligible and receive financial benefits each year for the cost associated with an adoption. Here’s a quick breakdown of those three methods:

Federal Adoption Tax Credit

The federal adoption tax credit (FATC) allows a monetary boost for adopting families whose gross annual income is not over $200,000. For those families which qualify, the federal tax credit provides up to $13,460.00. You can find more information on the FATC here. We’ve written about the federal adoption tax credit on this blog before.

“My wife Priscila and I have adopted twice through A Child’s Hope. Our two boys – one adopted in 2008 and the other in 2013 – are priceless to us, but the Federal adoption tax credit helped make the fees and expenses affordable for us. We both work in research; I am a medical writer and my wife is a research scientist.”

— Bill Siesser

Employer / employee adoption benefits

Many employers across the country also provide the benefit of financial assistance once a child is placed in the adoptive home of its new parents. Check with your Human Resource department at your company to see what benefits or advantages there might be (if any) which your company provides.

This financial assistance from employers can take the form of a lump sum, or payment of certain fees related to an adoption or partial reimbursement to employees for expenses. Each company that offers financial assistance varies in what the payment is, but the nationwide average is around $4,000, with a range generally from $3,000 to $5000. The application process with businesses and employers tends to be relatively simple and easy.

Why do companies do it? Businesses justify these benefits as an investment in retaining their employees, and that the payment towards adoption increases worker loyalty to the business. They see it as a win-win, since training new employees is almost always more expensive than retaining current staff.

Some companies are now also offering family leave for adoption, which is a benefit that can lower the cost of your adoption if the leave is paid. (Here’s a list of America’s top adoption-friendly workplaces.)

US Military adoption benefits

The United States Military Service is an employer too, and servicemen and women in the armed forces are eligible in many cases to take advantage of adoption credits while serving. The military can be quite adoption friendly.

“The military provided us with $3,000 as financial assistance for our son Joe Joe’s adoption. Overall, the military has been extremely supportive of our adoptions.”

Devon Donahue, wife of a U.S. Army Officer

A Child’s Hope Q&A Adoption Facts and Figures

Adoption, Education - June 7, 2016

Q: How Much Does Adopting Cost?

A: It Depends

There are three types of adoption – domestic newborn, domestic foster, and international adoption. Each adoption type has a different average cost. Domestic newborn adoption, when a child is adopted directly at birth, without entering foster care, costs an average of $38,063. Domestic foster adoption costs significantly less, averaging $2,811. International adoption averages $42,281 (source: Adoptive Families).

Adoptive Families provides a graphic that breaks down the costs of newborn adoptions via adoption agency, as seen below.

U.S. Newborn (Agency) – Average Cost Breakdown

Home study fee	$2,345
Document preparation & authentication	$802
Adoption agency application & program fees	$16,920
Adoption consultant fees	$2,853
Attorney fees	$4,129
Advertising/networking	$2,271
Birth family counseling	$783
Birth mother expenses	$4,353
Foster care	$325
Travel expenses	$1,940
Post-placement expenses	$1,911
All other expenses	$2,900
AVERAGE TOTAL*	$41,532

The next graphic breaks down the costs newborn adoption through an attorney.

U.S. Newborn (Attorney) – Average Cost Breakdown

Home study fee	$1,732
Document preparation & authentication	$929
Adoption agency application & program fees	$5,780
Adoption consultant fees	$1,014
Attorney fees	$13,342
Advertising/networking	$1,616
Birth family counseling	$621
Birth mother expenses	$4,748
Foster care	$105
Travel expenses	$2,758
Post-placement expenses	$781
All other expenses	$1,168
AVERAGE TOTAL*	$34,594

As can be seen, the average cost through an attorney is much lower than going through an adoption agency.

—

Q: How Long Will My Family Have To Wait To Adopt?

A: Usually A Range Between 12-24 Months

Though, fortunately for families and children alike, most adoptions take place within the first year. Only approximately 14.5% of adoptive families have to wait longer than two years for adoption.

63% of Agency adoptions take place within 2 years, while 68% of attorney sponsored adoptions took place within a 2-year window.

Q: What is A Child’s Hope?

A: A Child’s Hope Is . . .

. . . An adoption agency operated by a former defense attorney who is, herself, an adoptive parent. A Child’s Hope was founded with the intent of helping adoptive families save time and money throughout the adoption process, bringing families together with less stress and less financial strain.

A Child’s Hope focuses on helping North Carolina families adopt within the state. This helps limit fees and travel time and helps avoid complications between state governments.

Q: What Do A Child’s Hope’s Numbers Look Like?

A: 13 Families Helped in 2015, 12 of those 13 placed within 12 months.

The average cost of adoption paid by the 13 families aided in 2015 is $35,000. This falls right on the line of the national average of attorney sponsored adoptions. With lower travel expenses and proximity allowing families to have a better understanding of the needs of the birth mother, there is much less stress or guesswork involved in the services provided by A Child’s Hope.

Since 2000, 316 families have already grown, thanks to A Child’s Hope. If you or your family is considering adopting, or if you just have questions about the adoption process, please feel free to contact A Child’s Hope here on our website/contact page or by phone at (877) 890-4673.

Why would a Shark Divorce Attorney Start an adoption agency?

Adoption, Comunity, Education - May 26, 2016

This article was originally published on our sister website, Herring & Mills Family Law Firm in Raleigh

People often ask me why I – once an aggressive divorce attorney – founded an adoption agency. I was Board certified in Family law and could fight it out with the best of them. The simple answer is that A Child’s Hope was born because I got mad, got scared and fell in love with a little boy born in New Mexico. My personal experience of the difficulties in bringing a family together through adoption shook my value system and gave me the courage to act as an advocate for other children and parents who want to adopt.

I Got Mad

. . . about how expensive, difficult and stressful the adoption process was when I travelled to New Mexico 18 years ago in order to adopt my son. Now, I am no saint, and anyone who has borne the brunt of my temper knows the aftermath is not always pleasant. But in this case, thankfully, my anger was driven by compassion, and I was able to use that energy constructively. I believe that can be seen in A Child’s Hope’s ability to match 316 children to families over the last 16 years in North Carolina. With few exceptions, our families are matched with North Carolina birth mothers and the adoptions are in state. And when the birth father is identified, as much as possible the birth father issues are sorted out ahead of the baby’s birth.

I Got Scared

I remember feeling very scared once we started caring for my son-to-be in a hotel in New Mexico. I was scared that the situation wasn’t going to work out – there were complex paternity issues, and he had health issues because he was born with a bilateral cleft lip and palate. The doctors wanted us to leave him there in Albuquerque for treatment and he was losing weight really fast. We had to go to the pediatrician daily to weigh him and we had to wait two weeks in a hotel to get approval to bring him back to North Carolina. I was scared I would lose a son I never had, and I was scared for his sake, for all that he was going through and for all that he would have to go through.

I Fell In Love

. . . with this sweet little baby boy with brownish-blonde hair and slate colored eyes swaddled and lying on his side in a Catholic hospital in Albuquerque.

He was struggling to breathe and the nurses wouldn’t let me pick him up because he had been crying since he was born, the night before. When I tell my son this story he laughs and says, “I guess I was crying, someone must have showed me a mirror.” Another reason I love my son? His sense of humor. You see, my son knows that when he was born there was a gaping hole where his nose should be and a large bulbous growth sticking out. I won’t tell you that his dad and I weren’t scared for him but when we saw him that night, we saw a little boy who had found his home with us and we fell in love with him.

Home Sweet Home

Once we got back home to North Carolina I again became angry, because our family had to deal with more complications within the adoption process. I was shocked to learn when we added it up that the legal, agency and medical costs as well as our costs for travelling and staying in New Mexico totaled $35,000 in 1998 (or about $51,000 today). One of my goals has been to help families adopting to keep the costs lo and stress down by adopting within the state. Families adopting through A Child’s Hope now spend an average of $35,000 18 years later from when I adopted my son — huge savings for any family.

Worthwhile, If Not Easy

Adoption for our family was complicated, stressful and very expensive. I still wake up several times a year from the nightmares and my jaw aching from the clenching of teeth over the stress. It took us three years to pay off the adoption costs and quite some time to sort out the birth father and American Indian issues.

So why did an aggressive divorce attorney create an adoption agency? Because adopting my son changed my life. As a family we sometimes get angry at each other, sometimes don’t talk and sometimes don’t see each other, but the love is always there. And I want other sons and daughters and their parents to have the opportunity that we did, and I want to make it easier for them than it was for us.

Modernization Comes to Interstate Adoptions & Interstate Compact

Adoption, Education - March 8, 2016

Modernization Comes to Interstate Adoptions & Interstate Compact in North Carolina

This article by Bobby D Mills was originally posted at our partner website, Herring & Mills Family Law Firm

Adoptive families used to dread the waiting associated with satisfying the requirements of the Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children (ICPC).

As the Act states: “the Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children (ICPC) was established in 1960 to provide a uniform legal framework for the placement of children across State lines in foster and adoptive homes;”

The ICPC applies to adoptions which involve a child to crossing state lines. If a child is born in State A (the Sending State) and is to be adopted by parents in State B (the Receiving State), then the ICPC applies to the adoption. In those cases in which the Compact applies, the laws of both states must be satisfied before the child can leave State A and travel into State B.

Prospective adoptive parents often found themselves waiting in a hotel with an infant while administrative agencies in two states reviewed their paperwork before deciding whether to grant the family approval to travel back home. Unfortunately, the system has not been uniform and many states continued to process the paperwork much the same way that it was done in the 1960s.

The National Electronic Interstate Compact Enterprise (NEICE) was launched in August 2014 in Indiana, Nevada, Florida, South Carolina, Wisconsin, and the District of Columbia “to improve the administrative process by which children are placed with families across State lines;”

On February 3, 2016, Representative Young of Indiana introduced the a bill in the U.S. House of Representatives which would “require States to adopt a centralized electronic system to help expedite the placement of children in foster care or guardianship, or for adoption, across State lines, and to provide grants to aid States in developing such a system, and for other purposes.”

The Act is called ‘‘Modernizing the Interstate Placement of Children in Foster Care Act.’’ Beginning in 2017, it allocates $5,000,000 for grants to states to develop processes “to facilitate the development of a centralized electronic system for the exchange of data and documents to expedite the placements of children in foster, guardianship, or adoptive homes across State lines.”

Birth Certificates and Adoption

Adoption, Education - January 14, 2016

You have done a lot of work to be recognized as your child’s “legal parents” — a homestudy, post placement visits, matching with a birthmother, placement and then filing an adoption petition etc. The last step before you can apply for a social security card for your child is to obtain a birth certificate with the child’s formal name and your names listed as the parents. Let’s look at the formal process for obtaining a birth certificate and why it’s important.

In domestic adoptions, once your decree of adoption is entered by the court, then the Department of Vital Records in the state where your child was or will be born is directed to create a new birth certificate. In adoptions, the original birth certificate given at the hospital — often referred to as the “mother’s copy of the birth certificate” will be sealed. The new birth certificate will list you as the parents and use the name you have chosen for the baby. Unless you have an open adoption, you will not receive the mother’s copy of the birth certificate.

If your baby was born in North Carolina, it will normally take four to six months for a new birth certificate to be prepared. You will need to get the birth certificate from the Department of Vital Records. Their contact information is 919-733-3000, extension 5886. The address is: N.C. Vital Records, Special Registration Unit, 1903 Mail Service Center, Raleigh, North Carolina 27699-1903. As of 2016, there is a $24 fee for the first copy of the birth certificate and then an additional $15 for each additional copy requested on the initial application. There is also a one time $15 processing fee.

We recommend that you request three certified copies of your child’s birth certificate and keep the certificates in different safe places. You can request additional copies over time, but it is easiest to get multiple copies when you originally request them. Since many adoptees want information about their birth parents, we suggest that you store the birthmother’s copy of the birth certificate in the same location as the new formal birth certificate. We also recommend that if you are going to actually pick up your birth certificate that you call and make an appointment.

If your child was born out of state, then the North Carolina Department of Social Services (DSS) will prepare a package to send to the state where the child was born to prepare a new birth certificate, listing you as the child’s parents. We recommend waiting several months and then calling the Department of Vital Records in the state where the child was born and check to see if they have received the package from North Carolina. The cost for the out of state birth certificate will depend on that state.

This article was originally posted at our sister website, Herring & Mills Family Law Firm.

Adopting & Raising a Child with Special Needs – Things to Know

Adoption, Children, Education, Family, Parenting - January 5, 2016

There are many adoptive parents who have taken on the loving and demanding job of adopting and raising a child with special needs. In my mind, these parents are as special as the children they adopt.

What I hear frequently from adoptive parents who are offered the opportunity to adopt a child born with special needs is that if they had given birth to the child then they wouldn’t hesitate to jump right in, even though they know it’s going to be demanding. And even as adoptive parents, they think of the child as their own almost from the start and they become fierce advocates. For many, it’s a lifetime commitment.

One of my favorite memories as an adoption agency director is seeing a three year old named Matthew laughing at a local mall as he tried to run away from his parents, Jack and Peggy. His parents smiled broadly. They were so proud. He was a beautiful toddler, with black curls and a smile that was big and open. And he didn’t walk, he ran.

“And this is the child that we were told might never walk,” Peggy said. “And look at him now. We have to run to keep up.”

The family added another son by adoption, Michael, a few years later. Now the brothers are best friends. Michael was born with a life threatening physical condition called esophageal fistula. He was airlifted shortly after birth to a major medical center. Jack and Peggy were with him while he had seven operations, first to connect his esophagus to his stomach and then later to remove a finger that didn’t function and construct a thumb from his index finger. He still has challenges swallowing and has had four procedures in the last two years.

Jack and Peggy’s time and heart commitment has been enormous. But Michael is now thirteen years old and doing well!

“You have to take on what you feel you can handle,” Peggy said recently. “We feel blessed. “

Nutrition During Pregnancy

Education - August 28, 2015

It’s a common belief: if you’re pregnant, you can eat anything you want. After all, you’re going to gain weight anyway so why worry about calories? Instead, indulge yourself, right?

The truth is, during pregnancy, your body is working harder than ever to provide everything your baby needs to survive and to keep you healthy too. Contrary to what many believe, during pregnancy, most women only need an additional 300-500 calories per day—and only during the second and third trimester. The phrase “eating for two” really comes down to making smart food choices to get all the nutrients the two of you need.

What To Eat During Pregnancy

The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG), a nonprofit organization of women’s health care physicians, recommends eating a balanced diet of nutritionally dense foods, such as:

• Grains, such as bread, oatmeal, pasta, and tortillas.
• Fruits, fresh, canned, frozen or dried. 100% fruit juice also counts.
• Vegetables, cooked or raw, fresh, frozen, canned or dried. 100% vegetable juice counts as well.
• Protein, including meat, chicken, seafood, eggs, beans, peas, and nuts.
• Dairy, such as cheese, yogurt and ice cream.

The U.S. Department of Agriculture has a free online tool called Supertracker that helps you keep track of the foods you need and the foods you’ve eaten, to ensure you maintain a healthy balance.

In addition to eating a variety of foods, it is also important to take in specific nutrients each day to help your baby develop properly. The ACOG suggests:

• A prenatal vitamin supplement for additional nutritional coverage.
• Folic acid (400 mg), which is a B vitamin that helps the baby’s brain develop.
• Iron, (27 mg), which helps make a substance in the blood that carries oxygen to your and your baby’s organs.
• Calcium, to strengthen your baby’s bones and teeth. Pregnant women and women 19 and over should get 1000 mg a day. If you’re 14 -18, you should get 1300 mg a day.
• Vitamin D, which is essential for eyesight and skin and also works with calcium to strengthen bones and teeth. Pregnant women should have 600 international units of Vitamin D per day.

What Not to Eat During Pregnancy

Good nutrition during pregnancy isn’t only about what TO eat—it’s also about what to avoid. In addition to the well-documented dangers from using drugs, nicotine or alcohol, doctors also suggest limiting or eliminating:

• Caffeine—some studies suggest that caffeine can increase the risk of a miscarriage. The ACOG suggests limiting caffeine to the equivalent of one 12-ounce cup of coffee a day.
• Certain fish. Doctors recommend not eating shark, swordfish and king mackerel, which have high levels of mercury, and have been associated with birth defects.
• Foods that are more likely to cause food poisoning. Avoid eating raw meat, fish or eggs.
• Foods that may carry food-borne bacteria that causes Listeriosis. Pregnant women are 13 times more likely to get this illness that can lead to miscarriage and stillbirth. Avoid hot dogs, cold cuts, unpasteurized milk, refrigerated meat spreads and raw or undercooked meat, fish or eggs.

When you eat a well-balanced diet during pregnancy, you give your body what it needs for the tremendous task it is performing, and you provide both you and your baby the best opportunities for a healthy life.

Pregnancy: What to Know about The Second Trimester

Children, Education, Family - August 2, 2015

Looking-out-window---blk-and-white The second trimester of pregnancy often feels like the best. You may no longer get morning sickness, and you may now enjoy a hearty appetite along with a resurgence of energy. You also are starting to see visible changes in your body as the baby grows, but you don’t yet have some of the late stage discomforts.

Baby’s Development in the Second Trimester

The second trimester begins in week 13 and goes to about week 28. During this time, the baby continues phenomenal growth as the systems that are now in place continue to develop. Sweat glands develop, and eyebrows, eyelashes and fingernails start to grow. Other internal organs that have already formed continue to mature.

The skin becomes less transparent as necessary fat accumulates. The baby begins to have sleeping and waking cycles. Although the baby may have begun to move at the end of the first trimester, during the second trimester, you can begin to detect the movement. Doctors can find the baby’s heartbeat with a stethoscope.

By the end of the second trimester, the baby measures a little over a foot—about 14 inches in length and weighs about 2 ¼ pounds. For comparison, the baby is about the size of a whole cauliflower.

Changes for You During the Second Trimester

Just as the baby is undergoing amazing growth during the second trimester, your body changes to support that growth.

Some of the changes you’ll notice may include larger breasts, stretch marks and finally, a baby “bump.” You may also notice skin changes, almost as if you were in puberty all over again. You may get more frequent bladder or kidney infections and leg cramps as your body adjusts to the increased work it is doing.

Toward the end of the second trimester, you may feel aches as the ligaments in your abdomen stretch to accommodate the growing belly. You may also begin to feel a temporary tightening, or mild contractions, called Braxton-Hicks, which help prepare your body for delivery. As the baby takes up more room, squeezing your stomach and lung area, you may feel indigestion and occasional breathlessness.

By the end of the second trimester, most women are wearing maternity clothes and the pregnancy is real and undeniable.

Making Use of “Honeymoon” Period

Without the frequent nausea and exhaustion of the first trimester, and yet before the tiredness and discomfort of the third trimester, the second trimester is one of the best times to plan for your baby. For women who are considering placing their child with an adoptive family, this is an important time in the information gathering and decision making process. A Child’s Hope can help. Our empathetic counselors can listen and provide the information you need to make the right decision for you and your child.

To learn more, please call our 24-hour hotline at 877-890-4673 or text “pregnant” to 919-971-4396.

Pregnancy Hotline: call or text (919) 971-4396

Want to Adopt a Child? Call (919) 839-8800

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